That was Roxanne by The Police or, as they're now known, Sting.
A song there about a prostitute. Doesn't give her surname. Must give her a call.
Though the effects of 23 years on the game
would not render her pleasurable to mine eye.
Hmm!
Alan's Funny Stories!
Just time for a funny story before the news. On line four we have Roy from Bungay.
- Hello, - Funny story?
I sold a Makita cordless drill in the local paper,
I got it back as a Christmas present from my brother-in-law, minus the power pack,
I see. So the present you gave away, you then got back?
Yeah, that's it, Goodbye,
- What a funny story. - Alan's Funny Stories!
That is a funny story.
(LAUGHS)
I wonder who got the power pack.
(LAUGHS)
News.
How can you set fire to your hands?
- Hello.. - Carl.
Carl. There's a lot of room in here. Nice to be able to jog around.
It's good.
I'm in a good mood today. I just found out my wife's been struck off my life insurance.
Spice World!
- Are you married? - Yeah.
Divorced. I've got access to the kids, but they don't want to see me.
John.
- Hello, John. - Al. We've concreted the floor.
- No bodies under there, I hope! - What?
Just joshing. Have you put t'corpse under t'patio?
- I expect you get that all the time. - Not really.
That skirting board seems a bit low. Could you change it again?
Eeh! 'Appen he thinks I'm a right indecisive tit.
He doesn't like it when you do that accent.
Well...I'll stop, then.
- Can you not put your foot... - I was just going to do a Cockney walk.
- All right? - Hello.
Actually, I've got some good news. I've just come into a substantial amount of money.
I'm hosting a conference for Dante's of Reading -
the Ferrari of the coal-effect gas fireplace industry.
If this job comes off, as regards decision-making, we'll be in a "can-do, go" situation.
- I won't bore you with the details. - Right.
Hands off your cocks and on with your socks... Oh.
It's just an army saying. Give us another one.
Kill! Kill! Stab! Twist! Kill!
Michael's staying here till they put his front door back on.
Welcome aboard the good ship...My House.
- Tell him there's no smoking in the house. - There's no smoking in the house.
- Tell her whose house it is. - It's my house.
- If you've got owt to say, say it to me. - It's hygiene.
Whoa! Back off, seconds out round one, ding-ding!
I'd never let that happen. He'd batter you. Come on. Tell me what you've got.
Right. I've got your book signing at 12 o'clock
and your meeting with Piet Morant from Dante Fires.
Mary Poppins! What's that?
That's me bike. That's Desert Storm.
The Iraqis must have been petrified when they saw that.
Especially if it had one of those cigarette cards in the spokes, so it went "Fffff".
Aagh!
Why don't you two buy the hatchet over a coffee? After you, Lynn.
Probably me next.
I need to speak to you about something.
Sonja has made me a mug with my face on one side and a cat on the other.
- What does it mean? - I've no idea.
She's talking about selling this stuff at the covered market.
- That's terrible. - A disaster. I don't want my face on this!
I want it on this.
And I might put it on a jar of pasta.
Did you hear from Dolmio about my pasta gravy sauce?
- No. - Let it go.
Do you fancy a cup of delicious microwaveable soup?
Yeah. Pop it in the microwave.
Can you imagine if they had microwaves in medieval times?
A giant microwave and you can just pop a witch in it. Horrific!
- If she bursts, she's innocent. - Yes.
If she comes out cold on the outside but hot in the middle, she's a witch.
- Remember to take the foil off first. - That's just pies.
- Can I watch "Poirot" on UK Gold? - As long as you pop the earphones on.
Oh, you have. Look at her. Dead to the world.
She's in the spot where me and Sonja have it off.
- Are you still doing it twice a day? - Yeah. Diary permitting.
- Don't give yourself a heart attack. - It's cardiovascular exercise.
It's like press-ups, isn't it?
I suppose you are working the major muscle groups, like.
- That is a woman? - Aye. It's long hair.
Could be Brian May.
That's not his cup of tea. That's the other one, God rest his soul.
I've got to pop up to Choristers and get the PA.
Security there is terrible. They'd probably let you in.
- That's ridiculous. - I know.
- There's Sonja talking to the builders. - Oh, God!
You just take normal photograph into Snappy Snaps and he put photo on cushion.
This cushion is called scatter cushion. I call it the scatter love cushion.
Because it represent my love for Alan.
You could sit on his face.
What do you mean?
- You can sit on Alan's face. It's a joke. - It's a filthy joke! Alan is hitting you.
Whoa! That's English for "stop a horse".
- He is being disgusting. - What did he say?
He say I sit on your face.
- Have you been spying on us? - No.
Sonja, I'll handle this. Go and sit in the static home.
Sorry about that.
Hello. I'm a communist with a gun. I hate you lot. Can I use your toilet?
Utter, utter nutters.
(TRAIN SCREECHES)
Hello, commuters with your computers.
This book would fit into an attache case
or the thigh pocket of a pair of combat trousers.
Not like those massive Stephen King books. They should be on wheels.
Embarrassing. Idiot.
For £10 you get a very good book and a free torch -
a Danko nightstick as used in the series "The X-Files".
There's a demonstration model tied to the chair by that woman.
- What is it you want? - The train for Lowestoft.
The train for Lowestoft is on platform four.
It leaves in five minutes so better learn to jog again quickly.
Seriously, run. You will miss it.
This book is a top business aid.
As I'm sure you are, sir.
Look at that. Not even listening. Off to London, no doubt.
Go to London. You'll either be mugged or not appreciated.
Catch the train to London stopping at Rejection, Disappointment,
Back-Stabbing Central and Shattered Dreams Parkway.
Alan. Alan. There.
- It's Piet Morant from Dante Fires. - He can't see me.
- Why not? - This looks like I haven't bounced back.
- But you have. - I know!
- Point him out to me. - He's got a beard.
- Hi. I'm Alan Partridge. - Piet.
- You don't mind if I just do that? - No. I wasn't expecting you to meet me.
Sorry about the smell of urine, but there's nothing to do round here.
Apache is a one-stop shop.
- What part of Birmingham are you from? - I'm from South Africa.
(SOUTH AFRICAN ACCENT) I should have guessed.
This is a laugh. Security card. Hello, Security?
I am an arsonist. Please can I come in to set fire to the staff?
Unbelievable.
They know who I am, but you could be a sex offender.
You've come to use the facilities but you're still a sex offender.
- But I'm not a sex offender. - It's all right. They won't ask about it.
- But I'm not a sex offender. - We've got that in common.
The security is terrible. I actually booked the room under the name of the Real IRA.
They didn't bat an eyelid. I'll just tell them it's me.
- We've got to get out. - What's the problem?
- Crossed wires. - Shall we go to Apache?
- My house? There's no electricity. - I'd like to see it.
Yes. We'll go straight to Apache... after a pub lunch for an hour.
Alan, there's some nice houses around here.
Sorry it's a building site. You should have a hat hard on.
What am I saying? I mean, a hat hard on.
I've done it again.
Hello. How do you do? How nice to meet you.
- How do you do? - This is Michael.
- Unusual accent. Where are you from? - I'm originally from Newcastle, like.
Michael's in charge of our internet computer.
- Aye. There's nay porn on it. - Did you understand that?
- No. - Good. This is Lynn.
Close your mouth, Lynn. Shall we move through to the conference area?
- So this is Apache Communications? - Yeah.
We normally have three clocks telling the time in London, Paris and Dublin.
Which is the same as London but you need to be reminded.
I'm dying to hear your ideas for the fireplace conference.
- Grab a sofa. - Here?
Sure. let me tell you about the set-up here.
You can't use the toilet because it's blocked.
You see, at Apache, we... Waay!
This is a new table. It's not quite finished.
Do you want to pop this on? No, it's hiding a handle.
- A piece of fruit? - No, thanks.
- Did you see that? - Yes.
I think the designer has gone for that...
toilet door balanced on a Black & Decker Workmate effect.
- Alan, I can't see you. - No problem. I'll just hop up here.
- Whose is that caravan? - The builders live in there.
Lynn goes in there. I don't think anything's going on.
I told her I disapprove of workplace relationships, but shit happens.
You've got to laugh when you fall off a sofa. Bloody sofa!
I like the evenings when the lighting gets bad.
Eeeh! Lynn!
Three, two, one, land.
- So...shall we start, Alan? - Yes.
Now, the main thing... Thank you.
The main thing is we need something quick.
As we always say at Dante Fires, what is the burning issue?
Burning, fireplaces. I like it.
So we want to give our sales force something inspirational.
- What are you laughing at? - I'm laughing at the burning issue joke.
Splash down!
Eeeh!
- Shall I put it in the middle? - That would be helpful.
- Shall we put the lights on? - Never mind that.
All I want to know is... can you give us a pyrotechnics and light show?
Absolutely. We can do you...
(IMITATES ACCENT)..pyrotechnics.
I recommend you start with a couple of jokes.
- We don't want a clown, Alan. - God, no.
He'd never get to the podium with those long shoes on.
How do clowns go down in South Africa?
With that make-up, they're neither one thing nor the other. Are they allowed on buses?
Look, Alan. No clowns, no gags.
- Just a couple of jokes? - No, Alan.
- Please? - No, you can't!
There's no need for that!
I want to do a couple of jokes.
- You can't. - You've done it again!
You've said it again! Just because I've got a shit table.
- What do you want? - I wanted to turn the lights on.
Good call. Michael! Oh, you're there.
- Shall we pop the lights on? - Hang on.
Mind your head. It's coming down.
It er... Now...
It does look to me like torches attached to a bicycle wheel...
probably designed by the person who did the table.
I like South Africa. I hated those people who wouldn't trade with you in the '80s.
l carried on buying your tomatoes.
You say tom-ar-to, I say tom-ay-to.
You say...tomato.
I say pot-ay-to, you say...potato.
Let's call the whole thing...a nice chap and doesn't matter what race he is.
- Lynn! - Yes.
Oh, you're there. This isn't bright enough. We're going to have to "go nuclear".
Look, Alan, it's too late to cancel... I'm sorry.
It's easily done. If you don't mind being angry down the centre of the table?
I'm taking this table back. It's bloody useless.
You've hit the hazards!
If I've said "Full beam" once I've said it a dozen times.
Level with me, Piet. Have I got this job?
Given that it's too late to book anyone eke, the answer has to be yes.
Jacka-nacka-nory! Ah, that's better.
(SOUTH AFRlCAN ACCENT) Full beam.
I'd like four glitter explosions, 12 puff flashes...
So the sequence should be puff, flash, puff, flash, bang.
Basically, could I have a condensed Pink Floyd concert for £500?
OK. Thanks, Lynn.
- You want eat? - What have we got?
- We got eggs, we got chicken... - Which came first?
- I bought the chicken on Thursday. - Chicken's fine.
- It's empty. - What?
- The chicken is empty. - It's hollow?
- There is no chicken inside. - You didn't buy a display model?
- The inside. - The giblets?
- It's awful. - I like them.
They might eat them in your county. We don't here.
I don't want to eat an intestine or a chicken heart on a mini muffin.
It's like some sort of voodoo canape.
You want to make love? The bed's ready.
No. I'm fine, thanks. I'll just check on Michael.
- OK. Alan, I love you. - Thanks a lot.
- Hello, Michael. Do you want to be alone? - Oh, no. It's nice to have company.
Keep the demons at bay.
Imagine if we were the last two people on earth camped out up here.
Aye. We'd have to breed.
I think I'd prefer to adopt. Men can these days.
Aye. I'd adopt a greyhound. The last one I had was right clever.
If they were that clever, they'd know that thing they chase isn't a rabbit.
If this conference goes well, you could get a helicopter.
I'd love to fly a helicopter. The world's getting smaller.
- Aye. That's global warming. - No. That's something different.
I'd like to fly a helicopter around Norfolk.
Swoop over a field, scare a donkey so it falls into a river.
Hover over one of those annoying families on bikes
and shout, "Get out of the area!" and watch them panic.
- I'd have an Apache attack helicopter. - Oh, great.
I'd go back to school. First I'd take out the labs.
Then I'd type into the attack computer, "Mr Cragg, chemistry teacher."
- Blow him to bits. - I know the feeling.
Then I'd look for Tom Donaldson. I'd be hovering just down the road from his house
and he'd see us, but I'd duck behind the trees
and he's just at his front door when I come up...
"Hello, you bastard!"
He panics and goes into the house. So I get the 3Omm cannon and take out the fish pond.
Koi carp in there at £4O each, right?
Then I'd tilt the helicopter to one side. Bullets are chewing up the drive.
He comes out, "Not my Triumph Stag! I've just had it resprayed!"
I cut it right in half. He runs onto the garage roof.
I say, "This is for you, Tom!" He's begging us, man. "No! Please! Don't!"
(GUN NOISE)
Then I'd fly to Cornwall and smash into the sea in a ball of flames.
Sleep well, Michael.
- Who's Tom Donaldson? - Just a mate.
Hello. I've just swallowed a load of anthrax and I'd like to let off in the club bar.
Can I come in?
You haven't opened the gate. Well done.
I've just remembered, I've forgotten my card.
I was showing it to a Geordie last night and I've gone and left it in his bloody hands.
- Hello? - (MAN) Hello,
I think I made a complaint about you and you're pursuing a vendetta,
which I can understand.
- Hello? - Hello,
- You do know who I am? - No,
Um... I know. There's a copy of my book behind reception. Can you see it?
- Yeah, - I'll replicate the cover stance.
OK Go on, then,
(WOMAN) Hello, can I help you?
Yeah. Is Sean there?
No, He just knocked off. Can I help you?
No, it's fine. Thank you.
- What are you doing? - Climbing over a fence.
- You're nearly fif... - Were you going to say I'm nearly fifty?
- Aagh! - What?
Lynn, I've pierced my foot on a spike!
- It frigging hurts! - Get in the recovery position.
- You're just quoting "Casualty". - Pull it off.
- All the blood will run out of the hole. - Pull it off.
- And leave it on the spike? - Pull it off the spike.
- No. You pull your foot off. - Mine's not on the spike!
There's someone coming. Be normal.
Hello. Dante Fires? Through there. Oooh...you're going to have a good time.
I can feel the blood squelching. Can you hear it?
- Yes. - Listen.
Oh, look at you, Alan. You should be in hospital.
Some of these people have come from Stoke.
- Shall I go on for you? - Lynn, you couldn't present a cat.
(APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC)
A-ha!
What a year it's been for Dante Fires.
Maybe you're here tonight with a wife or an old flame.
But what is the burning issue?
Hit your targets or you'll be fired.
But today is also about fun.
Have you all got your fun packs? I've got one here.
I've got a list here.
It should contain a torch a Curly Wurly, a book of stamps,
a digital watch with denim strap, a vodka miniature, a Bic-style razor
and a copy of the "Daily Express". Ooh...it's a good paper.
First of all tonight is my best... Christ.
Not Christ. Sorry, I keep saying Christ.
I know some of you may be religious, and to you I apologi...
(VOMITS)
(BANG)
I was supposed to hit that later...to finish.
A glittering year ahead.
You might want to read your "Daily Express".
Don't shine that torch in my face, mate. I've just lost a pint of blood.
On now, as we look back on a fantastic year... I'm going to be sick again.
(RETCHES)
You know when there's nothing coming up?
August bucked the trend for a downturn in fireplace sales...
Urrgh...
I sound like the devil.
Foot's come out of my shoe. That's not going back in.
Do you want some more glitter?
Two grand, that cost.
I was going to give out some awards, but that's not going to happen.
Look at me.
Go and eat some coffee. Drink it.
It's soup you can eat. But lots of liquid.
- Are we nearly there? - Keep moving. That's it.
- I'm not the Vietnam. I'm taking this off. - No. leave it.
- This doesn't feel like a treat. - That way.
Take it off now.
I've made you a helicopter landing pad.
- It's a small "H". - No, man. You can see that from space.
I don't want aliens to see this from space. It will be embarrassing.
They will look down through their giant telescope
and say, "That idiot's got a baby "H".
I done it just to cheer you up because the fireplace job was knackered
and Apache Productions will probably go down the pan like all the others.
Michael, that may very, very well be the case,
but I am happy.
That may very, very well be because I'm on morphine.
- They should have put "M" on your forehead. - Why?
You do that with battlefield casualties so the doctors know they've had morphine.
- It's not so a little helicopter can land? - Helicopter doesn't begin with "M".
I'd like that, though.
It's rotor blades could cool you down like a little hand fan.
- On your forehead. - You've had morphine.
- Do you want some Sugar Puffs? - That'll be nice.
Aah. Still thinking about the little helicopters.
- You're away with the helicopters. - Like "MASH". That begins with an "M".